Handbook for a HR Manager...101 Questions & 202 Answers for them

The modern fast paced world with its array of tech gadgets which make work faster have helped all of us at work.
The only thing that seems to have grown faster is the work which they were initially made to do fast.
This work overload for sure has put a lot of stress on the HR Manager.This handbook is for all HR managers who are stressed because they have to deal with stressed employees..The handbook contains readymade answers for readymade employee problems

Q1.I have a lot of stress at work, i am overburdened...
A1.Stop cribbing...the problem is not the work...the problem is your perception.Stress is a mirage which you create urself with the help of ur perception,stop day dreaming start working.

Q2.My boss is a devil,he gives me work just before i prepare to leave for the day.
A2.If your boss is a devil , who is asking you to be a saint?Stimulate that you are leaving for the day at least 3 hrs before your usual time...by doing this he will not only get a heart attack but it will also help you reach home on time.

Q3.That new guy who joined yesterday has a higher desingnation and lesser years of experience.I have been here in this company for such a long time.
A3.The answer lies in your own statement - be the new guy in a new company you will get a higher designation with lesser years of experience tahn the old guy there.

Q4.I work very hard but i dont get rewarded for it.
A4 You are a fool... work for only how much money your get paid for...anything extra that you put in is totaly uncalled for ... your loss not company's gain.

Q5.There is too much politics in office.
A5.Voting ke din agar aap vote nahi kar rahe hoo to aap soo rahe ho..jago jago jago re....join the biggest,most powerful group and make yourself comfortable.India is a democracy so is our office.

Q6.I dont like Shyam.
A6 Its ok dont like him just work with him.

Q7.I am getting bored, work is not challenging enough.
A7.You think my work is challenging? I have been doing this same shit for years...just take your money and be happy..kahe ku dimag ka dahi karta hai?

Q.8.When will i get my promotion which you promised last year?
A.8 Next year.... the same thing which i told you last year.

Q.9. I want to Quit.
A.9. You are the most valuable employee for us on the face of this earth...i will give you promotion right now... i will transfer that stupid shyam whom you dont like right away (line applicable only at times of severe talent crunch)or else say " na dil mein hai khwaaf na man mai hai khwaaf so kindly f**k off"

Life is a Pitch & also a *itch

G.I.G.O - Garbage In and Garbage Out is a simple term which every school going kid ( at least when i was one) was taught in their computer class.Gigo simply put means your output is as good as ur input, even when it comes to a supernatural man made wonder called computer.
But sadly enough a lot of people in the marcom business do not understand this either because they dont want to or because they just did'nt pay attention in class just the way they dont when their partners (read creative/media/research agencies)make presentations.

My concern which stems out of this unhealthy trend of changing partners (again read creative/media/research agencies)is that it merely shows that a lot of guys in the marcom industry are insecure, out of touch of reality and commitment phobic.

I just feel that for any venture to succeed you need partners (like the ones you have in a marriage) not short term partners like the ones you have in one night stands...
So for all those commitment phobic,insecure,attention deficient guys who call themselves clients i would like to say that.. if i had a choice i would never like to become your partner if it would not lead to a marriage...coz i do not believe in one night stands...so bye bye(waving not with five finger of my hand but with just one ...the most important middle one)

Foot & Mouth Disease

Foot-and-mouth disease(FMD) is a highly contagious and sometimes fatal viral disease of cloven-hoofed animals, including domestic animals such as cattle, water buffalo, sheep, goats and pigs.

In humans though FMD takes the form of a verbal disease.(Foot-in-mouth disease)
The FMD in humans may not be fatal but can leave you red/pink/blue or black faced for a really long time.
It is not a seasonal disease but can occur anywhere.. anytime.
People prone to frequent bouts of verbal dysentery are prone more to this than others.

Though i belong to the later category i was taken into the grip of this dreaded disease many times over.

The most severe attack happened to me in office.

It was a pleasant Dec Monday morning in Mumbai and all of us had just settled into our work stations.I got a call from my colleague Sharad who had joined us 6 months ago.Sharad told me that he was quitting and didnt know how & when to inform Rajneesh our GM.I didnt know what to say hence told him that i would speak to him later.

The fact that Sharad was quitting wasnt that much of a surprise as the fact that he had lasted for 6 long months.
I say 6 long months not because the workplace was bad but because Sharad followed the semester system at workplace:moving to a new place after each semester was over.

"Putting in your papers" can be a very traumatic experience,i have done it myself once in my close to 3.5 yrs of work exp.Full of empathy i decided to call back Sharad...lo & behold i forgot his extension number.I was never good at numbers of any kind.I decided to look up the extn no. list pinned near my desk and call him up. Full of wisdom and empathy i dialled 645 and blurted out "Sharad our MD is coming from Delhi Tomorrow i think you should put in your papers today evening instead of tomorrow." I expected a decent Thank you from the other end but to my surprise the voice on the other end said "sale kya bakwaas kar raha hai?" I knew sumthing had gone terribly wrong but it took me a good 3 secs to realise that i had dialled 645instead of 654 which ideally i shud have.
Well 645 happened to be the extn of my GM, whom i had just jolted by informing( inadvertently)that one of his team members was quitting.

I swirled my chair backwards, now facing towards my GM and gestured that i would come and explain.Explain i did and my GM listened to it patiently.
No one thankfully had noticed as to what had happened.
In the meantime Sharad mustered up the courage to inform Rajneesh abt his noble intentions.
Rajneesh accepted it without much fuss...a deviation from what usually happens.

Sharad came out smiling and happy..during lunch when i narrated this to all my colleagues including Sharad, they just cudnt stop laughing.I had become the butt of the joke - that if anyone intends to put in his papers pl inform Shibu first to have a smooth exit.
By the way the Thank You from Sharad did come albeit a lil late for facilitating his smooth exit.

Last but not the least:The antidote to this disease - None: practically.